Lotus Elan Central

by **quiksilva** » Thu 27.01.2005, 15:24

[quote author=Gary link=board=offtopic;num=1096639702;start=90#93 date=01/26/05 at 05:40:33]He says it is not a boy racers car, but his id is 'EssexLad' !! Game-On ![/quote] this county makes me want to curl up and die sometimes :-[ absolutely chavtastic pop pickers

by **Scott J** » Thu 27.01.2005, 18:10

Nice one Sy, Calypso Elans.........just needs a wee bit of filler etc....(insert here)......oh and a wishbone could come in handy ;D ;D

by **Stef** » Tue 08.02.2005, 19:03

You can buy anything on ebay!!! http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=324&item=5530430721

by **lotusphil** » Tue 08.02.2005, 19:53

[quote author=Stef link=board=offtopic;num=1096639702;start=90#103 date=02/08/05 at 10:03:03]You can buy anything on ebay!!! http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=324&item=5530430721[/quote] And how did Stef stumble across these, cant you search 'Lotus Elan' like the rest of us! ::) ;D

by **Doug** » Wed 09.02.2005, 07:52

I hope Stef was not driving after she consumed these shrooms . . . :o

by **Stef** » Thu 10.02.2005, 15:03

What? Me??!! ::)

by **delta** » Sun 13.02.2005, 14:35

Don't do drugs, or you end up with a braine like this.: In the left side is nothing right, in the right side is nothing left.

by **Stef** » Mon 21.02.2005, 17:22

David Beckham runs in early from training one afternoon and dashes to the bedroom to find Posh spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting. Becks asks her suspiciously "What are you doing?" Posh stutters a reply "I'm - er, er.... I'm having a heart attack" "Oh no" he cries in despair. "I'll call an ambulance". He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialling 999. However, he is stopped in his tracks by a tearful Brooklyn. "What's the matter, son?" asks Becks. "Uncle Giggsy is in the wardrobe with no clothes on, daddy" sniffles Brooklyn. Infuriated by this, Beckham runs upstairs and kicks down the wardrobe door. Sure enough, the carpet-chested Welshman is stood there, starkers. "You w@nker Giggsy" screams Becks. "My wife is right over there having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the sh!t out of Brooklyn." -------------------------------------------- Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened. First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, inspector", says the Coroner. Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one: Big Seamus Quinn from Donegal, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his photo taken." ------------------------------------------- A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman: "I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen". The surprised salesman replies: - "But madam, computers do not have curtains...". And the blonde said: - "Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" --------------------------------------------- An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says. "Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear. "No" she replies "This time it's mayonnaise."

by **Stef** » Mon 28.02.2005, 18:45

MENSA MEMBERS!!! ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets. TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened. THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy." FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady keeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk." FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies. SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich. SEVEN My neighbour works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?" EIGHT Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency! "Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."

by **Peter_W** » Wed 02.03.2005, 20:01

Dear Sir: I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry.

by **Peter_W** » Thu 03.03.2005, 21:29

teddy bear A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher.. Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the hall. The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side! She turns to him, invitingly. they kiss. After, she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?" The guy yawns: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf." ;D

by **Philbo** » Fri 04.03.2005, 00:00

An ugly bloke walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. "What are you so happy about?" asks the barman. "Well I'll tell you," replies the bloke, "You know I live by the railway,well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. "Well, I went and cut her free and took her back to my place. "Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored with her, big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!" "Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman, "you lucky sod! Was she pretty?" "I dunno, I never found her head."

by **Doug** » Fri 04.03.2005, 00:15

[quote author=Philbo link=board=offtopic;num=1096639702;start=105#112 date=03/03/05 at 15:00:43]"I dunno, I never found her head." [/quote] [smiley=lol2.gif]

by **Peter_W** » Tue 08.03.2005, 02:50

A man gets home, screeches his car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of his lungs . . . . . “Honey, pack your bags, I won the lottery” The wife says “Oh my God No Sh_t?!! ! Wow! “What do you think I should pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?” The husband yells back. “It doesn’t matter . . . Just get the fcuk out”

by **muley** » Tue 08.03.2005, 22:10

I suppose it's been done, but I found this on sniffpetrol http://www.sniffpetrol.com/issue007.html well, there's the mention of an M100 at least

by **Peter_W** » Wed 09.03.2005, 19:20

Subject: Dear Dad letter A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was Addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice - even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. I'm sure that's exactly what God meant when He said to 'be fruitful and multiply'. Joan also taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone, and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the crack and ecstasy we might want -- just for fun, you know. In the meantime, we'll pray every night before bed that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. Your son, John PS: Dad, NONE of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are much worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer! I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home......

by **Stef** » Thu 10.03.2005, 15:16

Could be fun for some! Better with sound http://www.doodie.com/whack.php

by **fisher4772** » Thu 10.03.2005, 20:56

A man goes into a library and asks"do you have any books on suicide?".........librarian says"sorry i cant lend you that you wont bring it back.... ;D

by **fisher4772** » Thu 10.03.2005, 21:11

A women goes in to hospital to have her freikishly large pi :-[ :-[ flaps reduced in size..when she comes round from the operation there are 3 bunches of flowers for her. 1 from her husband saying thanx for being my wife. 1 from her work mates saying get well soon. 1 from eddie in the burns unit saying thanx for the new ears... ;D

Lotus Elan Central

Joke of the Day

Re: Joke of the Day

Re: Joke of the Day

Re: Joke of the Day

Re: Joke of the Day

Re: Joke of the Day

Re: Joke of the Day

Re: Joke of the Day

Re: Joke of the Day

Re: Joke of the Day

Re: Joke of the Day

Re: Joke of the Day

Re: Joke of the Day

Re: Joke of the Day

Re: Joke of the Day

Re: Joke of the Day

Re: Joke of the Day

Re: Joke of the Day

Re: Joke of the Day

Re: Joke of the Day

Who is online