Lotus Elan Central

by **Peter_W** » Wed 06.04.2005, 00:09

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling & prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the s**t out of him. :D

by **Peter_W** » Thu 07.04.2005, 01:32

(U.S.) Football Terms That Sound Dirty But Aren't 20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it. 19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind. 18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow. 17. It's a game of inches. 16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it. 15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding. 14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow. 13. He found his tight end. 12. End around. 11. He had to stretch to get it in. 10. He gets penetration in the backfield. 9. He blows them off (at the line). 8. He bangs it in. 7. He could go all the way. 6. He gets it off just in time. 5. He goes deep. 4. He found a hole and slid through it. 3. He pounds it in. 2. He beats them off (the line) 1. He's got great hands.

by **Jeff** » Wed 04.05.2005, 01:58

FWD From my bro who lives in L.A.... >Subject: You Know You're from Califorina.... > >So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, >you know you're from California if: > >1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible. > >2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house. > >3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a >conversation in English. > >4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is >named Flower. > >5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal? > >6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor. > >7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are >grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran! and >Ethiopian. > >8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal? > >9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears. > >10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S. > >11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a >baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS >George Clooney. > >12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. > >13. You can't remember . . . .is pot illegal? > >14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news >station: "STORM WATCH." > >15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all >busy with their cells or pagers. > >16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour >early to avoid all the weather-related accidents. > >17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal???? > >18. Both you AND your dog have therapists. > >19. The Terminator is your governor. > >20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're >here illegally, they want to give you one.

by **Stef** » Wed 04.05.2005, 09:36

A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours of Monday. Epicentre: Basildon, Essex. Victims were seen wandering around aimless muttering "faaackin ell" ... The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giro arrived. Essex FM (County Radio Station) reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning." Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland. HOW CAN YOU HELP? This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include: -- Fila or Burberry baseball caps -- Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) -- Shell suits (female) -- White sport socks -- Rockport boots -- Any other items usually sold in Primark. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include: -- Microwave meals -- Tins of baked beans -- Ice cream -- Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9 £5 will pay for a packet of BandH and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected. **Breaking news** Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in claret -'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked - "ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss that got to do wiv it?"

by **nitroman** » Fri 06.05.2005, 00:27

Off Topic? How could anyone ever call this Off Topic? http://www.lemmecheck.com/features/covermodels.php?page=12&sort=d What then, is the topic of life?

by **Enright** » Fri 06.05.2005, 13:40

This I had to share. It is totally genuine, not an urban myth - it happened to ME. The background is that I won a timing light/gun on eBay, but hadn't received it yet. Sometimes real life is just WAY funnier than anything you could possibly invent. Read on and giggle... >Subject: Message from eBay Member Regarding Item #7969224146 >Date: Thu, 5 May 2005 14:04:17 -0700 > >Dear enright13, > >Hello,my sister posted the timing gun last week,but with the wrong address on it.It went to a lady expecting a set of pink salad servers that my sister had sold her via ebay.Anyway,it turns out that the lady thought it was a real gun and called the police!!!!The matter has been resolved and the timing light returned .So I'll post it myself tomorrow.

by **GaryJ** » Thu 02.06.2005, 10:15

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away." "I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison." The little boy asked his father - Daddy, how was I born? Dad responds, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! So here goes. Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. Then we sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, Nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said: You've Got Male! ;D

by **nitroman** » Thu 02.06.2005, 19:36

An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice." The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "Well mate, in Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either. The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the South African and the Australian and then says: "In London we have so many effin South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice".

by **Doug** » Fri 03.06.2005, 03:34

Glad you made it home from your UK trip okay, Cjay !! ;)

by **cjay** » Fri 03.06.2005, 05:53

That's why I don't drink! way to dangerous in London ;)

by **nitroman** » Sun 05.06.2005, 16:53

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2004: Crack Found on Governor's Daughter [imagine that!] Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [no, really?] Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [now that's taking things a bit far!] Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? [not if I wipe thoroughly!] Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [what a guy!] Miners Refuse to Work after Death [no-good-for-n othin' lazy so-and-sos!] War Dims Hope for Peace ! [I can see where it might have that effect!] If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [you think?!] Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [who would have thought!] Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!] Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That's what he gets for eating those beans!] Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!] And the winner is.... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

by **muley** » Mon 06.06.2005, 10:13

From pistonheads ... "A man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. The man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." His wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."" The man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

by **rjbean** » Wed 27.07.2005, 15:22

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, he asks if anyone would like him to play a request....

A little old Japanese man jumped out of his seat in the first row and shouted at the top of his voice
"Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Flattered that the guy knew about the jazz influences in his career, Stevie starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for over 10 minutes...When he finished the whole place went wild....but the little old man jumped up again and shouted...

"No, No, play a Jazz chord....a Jazz chord".

A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation based on the B flat minor chord....Nice.

The crowd went wild with this impromptu show of technical musical expertise, but the little old Japanese man jumped up again....

"No, No you sirry irriot, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".

Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage

"OK you Japanese smart ass. You get up here and do it "

So the little old man climbed up onto the stage, took hold of the microphone and started to sing .....

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> " I jazz chord.... to say.... I ruvved you..."

by **jimp357** » Wed 27.07.2005, 15:26

http://www.nearlygood.com/video/m5quartermile.html

by **Dave M** » Fri 29.07.2005, 13:26

From the mouths of babes...

My 7-year old and 5-year old are riding in the car with my wife when information on the London bombings comes on the radio.

5-year old: "Mom why do people bomb us like that?"

Mom: tries to think of a simple way to describe terrorism to a 5-year old.

7-year old (before Mom can answer): "Because of Michael Jackson."

by **Doug** » Sat 30.07.2005, 00:20

jimp357 wrote:http://www.nearlygood.com/video/m5quartermile.html

that's F-A-S-T in any language !!

by **Philbo** » Mon 01.08.2005, 21:09

Dave M wrote:From the mouths of babes...

My 7-year old and 5-year old are riding in the car with my wife when information on the London bombings comes on the radio.

5-year old: "Mom why do people bomb us like that?"

Mom: tries to think of a simple way to describe terrorism to a 5-year old.

7-year old (before Mom can answer): "Because of Michael Jackson."

Hi Dave

I think there's an outside chance that your 7-year-old may have seen "Three Kings"...

Philbo

by **Dave M** » Thu 18.08.2005, 14:33

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

by **Enright** » Thu 18.08.2005, 21:27

Dave M wrote:You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Damn, that's so good it's going to be my motto from now on! :lol:

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