Joke of the Day

[GaryJ]

Paddy buys a bath but takes it back the next day complaining the water keeps running out.<br><br>Manager says "did you buy a plug?"<br><br>Paddy replies "You fu*k*ng cnut, you never said it was electric!"<br><br> ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[Doug]

[smiley=goodposting.gif]<br><br> [smiley=lol2.gif]

[Peter_W]

The Fly<br><br>In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.<br><br>The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down three inches ..  I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."<br><br>There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches,  I can eat him."<br><br>There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches.  that fish will jump for the fly...and I will grab him."<br><br>It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....   "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.  I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."<br><br>You probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there's more....   A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."<br><br>A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time ~ "Gosh...if  that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... then I can have mouse for lunch."<br><br>The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.<br><br>The fish swallows the fly...<br>the bear grabs the fish...<br>the hunter shoots the bear...<br>the mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...<br>the cat jumps for the mouse...<br>the mouse ducks...<br>the cat falls into the water and drowns.<br><br><br><br>the moral of the story is:<br>Whenever a fly goes down three inches ....<br>some pussy is in serious danger.<br>

[delta]

;D ;D ;D

[timmo]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and <br>while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.<br>The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs <br>some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs<br>one<br>of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's<br>amazement,<br>somehow swallows it whole.  The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you<br>see what your monkey just did?"<br>The guy says "No, what?"<br>"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table---whole!"<br>"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything<br>in sight, the little b@stard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue-ball and<br>stuff."<br>He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate,<br>then leaves.<br>Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He<br>orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.<br>While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino<br>cherry on the bar.  He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and<br>eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass,<br>pulls it out,<br>and eats it.  The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey<br>did now?" he asks.<br>"No, what?" replies the guy.<br>"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled it<br>out, and ate it!" said the bartender.<br>"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats<br>everything in sight, but ever since he had to sh!t out that cue ball, he<br>measures everything first."<br>

[GaryJ]

Scientists have discovered that most women will, at some point in their life, contain intelligent DNA. Unfortunately, 95 % of them will spit it out again.<br><br>

[delta]

Thank good i'm a foreigner and don't understand that one.!.  :-[

[Sy V]

delta<br><br>you're from Scandanavia, and you don't understand a joke like that!<br>I find that very hard to believe.<br><br> [smiley=wink_2.gif]

[Monty]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=1289&id=1<br><br> ;D<br>

[Fubar1764]

What did Jeffrey Dahlmer say to Lorena Bobbit?<br><br><br>Uh, are you gonna eat that?

[Peter_W]

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud. She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before. She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure. She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker-looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry. Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?" The biker answers, "I'm Cess."<br>

[Peter_W]

"A Cunning Stunt"<br><br>http://www.mrandmrswheatley.co.uk/cunningstunt.html<br><br>

[Peter_W]

Foolproof Florida Voting<br><br>http://wearabledissent.com/101/floridavote.html

[John_W]

Along the same lines...<br>http://www.asnu59.dsl.pipex.com/whimsy/voting_machine.wmv<br><br>(beware of size - 2Mb PC animation. Also not sure if it works as I can't see it on a Mac) Other than that it's fine  ::)<br><br>John

[Monty]

RECTUM STRETCHER <br> While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles<br>over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a <br>cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.<br> <br>The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that<br>classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked,<br>"What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for<br>work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a<br>rectum stretcher," she responded.<br><br>The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just<br>what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by<br>inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers,<br>then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work<br>from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I<br>slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."<br><br>"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"<br>he asked? <br> <br>"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."<br>

[Peter_W]

[smiley=goodposting.gif]  [smiley=rofl.gif]

[GaryJ]

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.<br><br>"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now,the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."<br><br>"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."<br><br>"Ahhh, that's nothin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!"<br><br>The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. But, the Irishman swears every word is true.<br><br>"Well," said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"<br><br>"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman.<br><br>"But it did happen to me sister."

[nitroman]

A newborn baby weighed 10 pounds. His body weighed 5lbs & his balls weighed 5lbs.  The hospital staff didn't know what to do. <br>The doctor said, "He has to go into a mental institution." <br>"Why?" the nurse asked. <br>The doctor said, "Isn't it obvious? He's half nuts."