Lotus Elan Central

by **Scott J** » Mon 01.11.2004, 15:42

The F.A. are continuing their investigations into the soup throwing incident at Old Trafford last week. Its yet to be decided if it was Heinz or Campbell. ;D

by **Monty** » Mon 01.11.2004, 17:15

Letter From A Concerned Senior Citizen To Whom It May Concern, I am a senior citizen. During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job. I took numerous vacations and had several vacations homes. Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse: I lost my job. I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War. I lost my home. I lost my health insurance. As a matter of fact, I lost virtually everything and became homeless. Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me. I will do anything to insure President Bush's defeat in the next election. I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year. Bush has to go. I just thought you and your listeners would like to know how one senior citizen views the Bush Administration. Thank you for taking the time to read my letter. Sincerely, Sadaam Hussein

by **GaryJ** » Mon 01.11.2004, 17:50

by **Monty** » Tue 02.11.2004, 19:59

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you". She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is George and I'm going to a Halloween party."

by **Scott J** » Wed 03.11.2004, 15:43

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit. "how many children ?" asks the council worker. "10" replies the essex girl "10???" says the council worker. "what are their names?" "Wayne, wayne, wayne, wayne, wayne, wayne, wayne, wayne, wayne, wayne" "doesn't that get confusing?" "nah" says the girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAYNE YER DINNERS READY or WAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it. "what if you want to speak to one individually" asks the council worker?" "Thats easy" says the girl, "i just use their surnames"

by **Scott J** » Wed 03.11.2004, 16:27

An essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says. "Come again?" says the clerk, "No" she replies, this time its mayonnaise" Alabama girl Daisy-Sue enters a sex shop and asks for a vibrator. The man says "choose from our range on the wall." She says "I'll take the red one". The man replies "Thats the fire extinguisher." ;D ;D ;D

by **GaryJ** » Wed 03.11.2004, 16:38

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

by **GaryJ** » Wed 03.11.2004, 17:20

Q: What do the vacuum "dirt devil" and viagra have in common? A: They both put the power of an upright in the palm of your hand.

by **rjbean** » Thu 04.11.2004, 12:55

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! ! "You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? " "No, " she replies. . . . . "You just happened to catch my eye."

by **Scott J** » Mon 08.11.2004, 17:44

an essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. the paramedics soon arrive in site. "its OK, I'm a paramedic and i'm going to ask you some questions", girl "OK" medic "what's your name?" girl "Sharon" medic "OK Sharon, is this your car?" Sharon "yes" Medic "Where are you bleeding from?" Sharon " Romford, mate "

by **Scott J** » Tue 09.11.2004, 15:57

another Essex girl and an irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices something strange about the wellies the irish guy is wearing. She says "scuse me mate, i ain't being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it ?" So the irish guy smiles, puts down his pint of Guinness and replies, "well I'm a little bit tik u see. the one with the R on it is for me right foot and the L is for me left foot" "cor blimey", exclaims the essex girl, "so THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them"

by **GaryJ** » Tue 09.11.2004, 17:14

Very good! ;D ;D

by **Scott J** » Tue 16.11.2004, 13:07

this was not published widely in the press but when Yasser Arafat was buried, instead of wearing a traditional shroud, he wore a Glasgow Rangers football shirt Newcastle United shorts Tottenham Hotspur socks he wanted to be burried in a GAZZA STRIP

by **Peter_W** » Tue 16.11.2004, 20:47

Had a couple of spare minutes

The World's Worst Hunting Dog: http://veepers.royalcaribbean.com/slip/nlHQYku32rgpakKk3HSmAa Not Now Kid!: http://veepers.royalcaribbean.com/slip/.Qx_j6O32rg5AkBNTY8F4W

by **Doug** » Tue 16.11.2004, 21:32

[quote author=Peter W link=board=offtopic;num=1096639702;start=45#53 date=11/16/04 at 11:47:42]Had a couple of spare minutes

The World's Worst Hunting Dog: http://veepers.royalcaribbean.com/slip/nlHQYku32rgpakKk3HSmAa Not Now Kid!: http://veepers.royalcaribbean.com/slip/.Qx_j6O32rg5AkBNTY8F4W [/quote] [smiley=werd.gif]

by **Stef** » Fri 19.11.2004, 15:28

A middle aged man bought a brand new convertible Porsche. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 160 and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair. "This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a Police car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 km/hr to escape being stopped. Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him. The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver’s side. "Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. "If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before as to why you were speeding, I'll let you go." The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back." The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."

by **GaryJ** » Fri 19.11.2004, 16:30

Penis Requests a Raise I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labor I work at great depths I plunge head first into everything I do I do not get weekends off or public holidays I work in a damp environment I don't get paid overtime I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation I work in high temperatures My work exposes me to contagious diseases Dear Penis, After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight You fall asleep on the job after brief work period You do not always follow the orders of the management team You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing You'll retire well before reaching 65 You're unable to work double shifts You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags. Sincerely, The Management

by **Monty** » Fri 19.11.2004, 17:28

[smiley=goodposting.gif] [smiley=joke.gif] [smiley=wave.gif] [smiley=rofl.gif] Thats the best i`ve heard for a while ;D

by **Scott J** » Mon 13.12.2004, 17:53

How does a Chav girl (chavette ?) put of the lights after sex ? She shuts the car door. :D

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