Joke of the Day

[tweetdriver63]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

[HJ2]

Brrrrrrrrriljant!

[tweetdriver63]

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and asked, "May I see your driver's license?"

The driver answered, "I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI."

The officer asked, "May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?"

The driver answered,"It's not my car. I stole it."

The officer asked, "The car is stolen?"

The driver answered, "That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there."

The officer asked, "There's a gun in the glove box?"

The driver answered, "Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk."

The officer asked, "There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?"

The driver answered, "Yes, sir."

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by! police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.

The Captain asked, "Sir, can I see your license?" The driver answered, "Sure. Here it is." It was valid.

The Captain asked, "Who's car is this?"

The driver answered, "It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card." The driver owned the car.

The Captain asked, "Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?"

The driver answered, "Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it." Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

The Captain asked, "Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it."

The driver answered, "No problem." Trunk is opened; no body.

The Captain said, "I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk."

The driver answered, "Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!"

[texas2201]

http://i57.photobucket.com/albums/g205/ ... px14-2.jpg

this made me laugh - Toy Story (Cert 18)

[clemo]

http://i57.photobucket.com/albums/g205/boristhebold/get-attachmentaspx14-2.jpg

this made me laugh - Toy Story (Cert 18)

hey..
what....

OHHH..

[Dave Eds]

Germany, Austria and Italy are stood together in the middle of the pub, when Serbia bumps into Austria, and spills Austria's pint.

Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit, because there are splashes on its trouser leg.

Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view

Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit.

Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for cleaning Austria's trousers.

Russia and Serbia look at Austria.

Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at.

Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone.

Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so.

Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene.

Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it?

Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action.

Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium.

Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone.

Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium.

France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other.

Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria.

Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings, because Britain made Australia do it.

France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change.

Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting.

America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself.

By now all the chairs are broken, and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends

[GeoffSmith]

THE DIARY OF AN ENGLISHMAN LIVING IN THE HIGHLANDS

"OUR FIRST WINTER "

DEC 20TH

It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen for years the wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.

DEC 24th

We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.

DEC 26th

It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway
again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish-grey.

JAN 1st

Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars. Fell on my ar$e in the driveway. Went to a physio but nothing was broken.

JAN 5th

Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing. Had another 8 inches of white $hite last night. Both vehicles are
covered in salt and iced up slush that ba$tard snowplough came by twice today. Where's that b1oody shovel

JAN 9th

More f*****g snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd Degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eye brows and eyelashes. Car hit a f******g deer on the way to casualty and was written off.

JAN 13th

F****** b******d white $hite just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little c***s next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove that carrot so far up the little pr1cks ar$e it'll take a good surgeon hours to find it. If I ever catch the ar$ehole that drives the snowplough I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the b******d hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael "f*****g" Schumacher and buries the f******g driveway again.

JAN 17th

16 more sodding inches of f*****g snow and f*****g ice and f*****g sleet and god knows what other white $hite fell last night. I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice-pick. Can't move my f*****g toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 20 and more f*****g snow forecast.

F**K THIS, I'M MOVING BACK TO LONDON

[Songbird]

Useless FIFA Twatt Sepp Blatter was recently asked to "name one decent Qatar player" ????
His reply ..... "Eric Clapton!

[Dave Eds]

While talking to the Queen, Prince William's new fiancé Kate Middleton was asking for some advice.

"What is the secret to a long and happy relationship?"

The Queen replied....."Wear a seat belt and don't piss me off!"

[a5gcd]

Joke of the Year - 2010

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.

[tweetdriver63]

Two men were pushing their shopping carts around in Wal-Mart when they collided. The older man looked at the younger man and said, "Sorry. I was looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The younger man then said, "It's OK. I was looking for my wife, too."

The older man then said to the younger man, "Well, what's your wife look like? Maybe I've seen her."

"She's 27 years old, has long blonde hair, 38 Double-D's and legs that don't stop. She's wearing a tight-fitting tank top and some shorty-shorts. What's your wife look like?"

The older man said, "Who cares. Let's go look for yours!"

[texas2201]

A little British humour from a founding member of Monty Python...

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE : BY JOHN CLEESE

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
Nuisance." The last time the English issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots and the Welsh have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective at Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Swiss have declared ‘What threat’?

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

[tweetdriver63]

My wife and I were sitting down for a nice, peaceful breakfast the other day.

Out of the blue, I told her, "When I die, I want you to sell all of my things immediately."

She said, "Why would you want me to do that?"

I told her, "A fine woman like you will probably get re-married quickly, and I don't want some other asshole getting all my things."

Her response? "What makes you think I would marry another asshole?"

[GeoffSmith]

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE : BY JOHN CLEESE

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Crikey! Australia has joined the EU?

[daveA]

Hi

My local chip shop got caught up in the riots.....


2 cod and a sausage got battered

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I see Tottenham have signed a new Itailan striker....

I think his name is Grabatelli.

[texas2201]

a 7 foot plank was thrown through a window during the riots in London






Police say Peter Crouch was unhurt

[Gordon]

Funny, granted, but not to be associated with or attributed to John Cleese...
tartfromhell.com/2007/03
message.snopes.com/showthread.php?t=70255
www.nlpconnections.com/chill-out-room/2318-security-alert-status.html

A little British humour from a founding member of Monty Python...

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE : BY JOHN CLEESE

....

-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

[rip]

Alastair Cook outscores the entire India team in the 1st innings at Edgbaston.

& they were supposed to be the world's best test team!

[DaveT]

Specially for Mr Eds


Two Quantity surveyor students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second QS replied,

"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,"Take what you want."

The first QS nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't fit."

[Dave Eds]

I would tell one for Mr T then, but apparently I'm no good at telling jokes - I always punch up the f**k line