"The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were -
Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn.
Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.
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Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.”
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Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?
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"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind."
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"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing."
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"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
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"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."
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"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."
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"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."
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"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
As you can probably tell my insurance is coming up for renewal.
"AGGGGHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" 
