Lotus Elan Central

by **Scott J** » Tue 11.01.2005, 17:51

Wheres the boozer wide boys ? I could do with some spare dosh ;D

by **M6TT F** » Tue 11.01.2005, 23:52

Has your girlfriend/wife put on a little weight over the festive period? If so encourage her to walk 3 miles in the morning and then 3 miles again in the evening . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . By the end of the week the fat cow will be 42 miles away..........

by **Game-on** » Wed 12.01.2005, 11:44

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot: 'What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree,and it's an absolute steal at only $20.' Why is it that cheap?' the woman asks. 'Well', replies the assistant, it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity.' 'Oh, I don't mind that',said the woman, making her mind up, I'm broad Minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot'. So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman, 'F==k me, a new brothel and a new madam' 'I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel' says the woman indignantly. A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. 'A new brothel, a new madam, and now new prostitutes’ says the parrot when he sees the daughters. 'Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up,we're not prostitutes' complained the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet . A short while later, the woman's husband comes home Well f==k me, a New brothel, a new madam, new whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Barry?'

by **Game-on** » Thu 20.01.2005, 14:31

A police officer stops a man who is driving his car with his wife in the passenger seat. The following exchange takes place.... The man says "What's the problem officer?" Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80. [Man gives his wife a dirty look.] Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. [Man gives his wife a dirty look.] Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!" Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."

by **Game-on** » Thu 20.01.2005, 14:31

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class area...big, stately residences... no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS. He really, really has to go, after all those pints of Guinness. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby (policeman), who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know." "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet." "Ah, yes," says the Bobby, "Just follow me". He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want." The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobby "That was really decent of you... is that what you call "British Hospitality?" "No sir", replies the Bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

by **Game-on** » Thu 20.01.2005, 14:32

The Definition of True Bravery True bravery is arriving home late after a boozy night out, being confronted by your wife weilding a broom, and have the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

by **Game-on** » Thu 20.01.2005, 14:32

A bit of a long one... ENTRANCE TO HEAVEN It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a real bummer day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. So, the next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died." "No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight; immediately I began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the apartment.. Just as I was about to give up,I happened to glance out onto the balcony and there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announces, "OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in. A few seconds later another guy came up. The Angel says, "Greetings, friend: before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." The man said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this, I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by my finger tips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me killing me instantly." The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy", he thinks to himself. "Very well sir," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter. A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak, he is thinking, this is too good to be true. Three right in a row. Thoughts of what possible story this man could tell pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says "Please tell me what it was like the day you died." The man says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator..."

by **GaryJ** » Thu 20.01.2005, 16:41

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed that the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her, wondering what had happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

by **Scott J** » Tue 25.01.2005, 11:51

MILLETS I went to Millets yesterday and got a 55L backpack for my wife................. .....a fair trade ;D

by **GaryJ** » Wed 26.01.2005, 13:40

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll? ... 49962&rd=1

by **PAUL30** » Wed 26.01.2005, 14:01

has to be the most outrageous/ridiculous kit yet. always had a soft spot for the capri since "the professionals".

by **Stef** » Wed 26.01.2005, 14:08

Try this conversion for the cost of an Elan (check out he rear view pic especially): http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=18174&item=4522671681&rd=1 Stick that in yer pipe an... :-X

by **GaryJ** » Wed 26.01.2005, 14:20

Soooo sad.

by **Philbo** » Wed 26.01.2005, 19:57

There are so many of those out there, all highly "unique" and "in-duh-vidjewl". If you like a laugh, go to www.barryboys.co.uk where the finest examples are on display for public ridicule. The amazing thing is how these cock jockeys take a bottom of the range 1.0-engined shopping trolley, then spend literally tens of thousands of pounds adding tat to it, and then they thing that they've somehow enhanced the value of the car. They're almost all advertised with little caveats like "[insert basic thing here] doesn't work but can be easily fixed, filler needs rounding off" etc.

by **PAUL30** » Thu 27.01.2005, 12:31

agreed.why dont these divs just spend the money on a proper car.never really understood all the max power pish.

by **KevH** » Thu 27.01.2005, 13:16

Agreed and by the time they have finished thay all look the same

by **Sy V** » Thu 27.01.2005, 13:35

...which, of course, you can't say about ten Calypso Elans! I'll get me coat (rather quickly)...

by **Monty** » Thu 27.01.2005, 13:56

Seems there`s just as many Grandad ones about to :P

by **Fubar1764** » Thu 27.01.2005, 15:17

6 exhaust pipes?! **ring, ring** "Hello? Clue phone. . ." The tail end reminds me of "Yosemite Sam," guns drawn saying, "Back off!" ;D Shall we gift him a set of those mudflaps? Don't you love how this is in the "Joke of the Day" section!!! :D

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