Joke of the Day

[tigerdog]

Need a translation: what's a Quantity surveyor? Would "accounting students" be an acceptable substitute on this side of the Atlantic?

[Dave Eds]

Doug, if you really DO want to know!

[daveA]

Hi

Sorry to our friends from across the pond ..... but maked me laugh

Ten years ago the US had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash and Steve Jobs...

Now they have no Hope , no Cash and no Jobs ....... !


daveA

[Sy V]

As old as the hills but...

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). (I love that one)


Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ' (I love that one too)

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.)

8.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators up until the last couple of years. Henceforth this is an English honour - please note spelling) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

[Songbird]

1. Kimberley Big Hole - South Africa



Apparently the largest ever hand-dug excavation in the world, this 1097-meter-deep mine yielded over three tons of diamonds before being closed.



2. Glory Hole - Monticello Dam, California



This is the Glory Hole at Monticello Dam, and it's the largest in the world of this type of spillway, its size enabling it to consume 14,400 cubic feet of water every second.
A glory hole is used when a dam is at full capacity and water needs to be drained from the reservoir.

3 Great Blue Hole , Belize



This incredible geographical phenomenon known as a blue hole is situated 60 miles off the mainland of Belize .
There are numerous blue holes around the world but none as stunning as this one.

4 Sinkhole in Guatemala



This photo is of a sinkhole that occurred February 2007 in Guatemala . It swallowed two dozen homes and killed at least
three people.

5. Sh*t hole




This is the famous Sh*t hole... It is capable of swallowing Millions of Tax Payers Money annually, never to be heard from again! It is reputed to contain at least 600 arseholes".

[GeoffSmith]

Doug, if you really DO want to know!

There are a lot of Nigerian politicians in that list Spud.

[Sy V]

3 Great Blue Hole, Belize

I dived that hole in 1985 (awe inspiring)... and never caught anything (ask Doug, but it' s one of the cleanest holes I've ever dived). Seriously, this is the hole that claimed the life of one of Jacques Cousteau's sons.

[Songbird]

3 Great Blue Hole, Belize

I dived that hole in 1985 (awe inspiring)

How are they formed ?? Its looks like a huge moon crater / Meteorite strike ??

[Peter_W]

As old as the hills but...

Just a few comments...

"Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed." Waste, fraud, and the crime rate will plummet – we’ll notice!

"3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday" That’s fine, it doesn’t have to be a holiday – as long as it remains a day off work where we can drink and blow stuff up.

"5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler." OK, so we’ll be like your constables then.

"10. ...Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters." Fantastic! The film budget will include money then to get their teeth fixed?

"11. ...but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds..." Right. Instead we will sleep for nights on end during cricket matches that NEVER END.

"14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776)." OK, so no change from our IRS then.

"God Save the Queen!!" Oh my, have you not paid attention to the endless actions of our schools and public bodies to not cause “offense” to anyone? That will have to be shortened to “Save the Queen”.

[Sy V]

This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a
group of building workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm
your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a
gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold,
more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They
chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch
breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a
pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her
'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank
the next day to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little
girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and
Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'
The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:


'I think so. Provided those W*****s at Jewsons deliver the f*****g bricks.'

[Songbird]

Hollywood are about to release a film about the life of Eddie Stobart .....



... Ive just seen the trailer ............

[inkitin]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the bathroom mirror and complains to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds every day" he says.

Willing to try anything, she fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"Your breasts will grow larger over a number of years," he replies.

She stops and says "Do you really think that rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow larger over a number of years?"

Without missing a beat he says…………………….























"Worked for your bum, didn't it?"

[cliff]

Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Hans. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"

[HJ2]

Ouch!

[3rdstudent]

One day my friend asked me , " Are you know jokes about england? Then i have replied, "No, i don't know any jokes about england, you know?" She replied ,"Today i have seen dream when i was sleeping. I saw, i am in england and jumped on tems river."!

[GeoffSmith]

Cracking first post.

[texas2201]

Paddy buys a big bunch of flowers for his new girlfriend. He goes to her house and rings the doorbell. When she opens it and Paddy says these are for you she is overcome with emotion for Paddy. She drags him inside, lays down on the couch, lifts her skirt and rips off her knickers - this is for the flowers she tells him.........................


Paddy says don't be daft you must have a vase somewhere...............................................

[stuartm]

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his
drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,
he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,
a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball
beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from
the cart and poured it over the little guy,
reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.
Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer
answers in relief. 'I don't want anything,
I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him
the three things I would want... a great golf game,
all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into
the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,
' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye,
how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.
I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'
He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're
all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer
golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money
situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.
'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket
and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,
and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun,
'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,
'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.
'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic
priest in a small parish.

[Rice crispy]

Another one in the golf vein


 
 
 
 
 
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'


Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!

 

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit.'
 
 
 

[epipete]

Today of all days! Cameron is not the only Dave upsetting the jocks,I'm afraid that this will do nowt for the Unionist cause!