Joke of the Day

[Rice crispy]

i have tem for everyone just some aren't suitable to show on here

[chipp]

I eventually plucked up enough courage to go to see my doctor and tell him about my addition to brake fluid.
I was quite surprised when he told me not to worry, and that I should be able to stop whenever I wanted.

chipp

[cliff]

David Cameron arrives at US Immigration, where they want to see his passport. Cameron, of course, is carrying no form of ID.

"What should I do?" says Cameron.

"Well," says the immigration officer, "we had a similar case last week with Andy Murray. He'd forgotten his passport, so we asked him to serve a few tennis balls and it was obvious he was who he said he was. The week before that, Lee Westwood appeared with no ID, so he drove and pitched a few balls down the runway for us and everything was good. Even before that, we had David Beckham without a passport, so we asked him to bend a few free kicks. No problem."

"But I don't have any skills!" says Cameron.

"Welcome to the United States, Prime Minister."

[Steve A]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'Who's going to tell' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms/hr. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph. 'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

[HJ2]

[cliff]

Little Johnny and his parents come downstairs for breakfast to find Johnny's granddad hanging from a beam. They call the police and after all the details have been sorted out, Johnny's dad takes him to one side.

"Look, Johnny," he says, "your teacher was a good mate of Granddad's. If he asks how he's getting on, just tell him the Dear Lord has taken him up to Heaven."

As fate will have it, later in the day the teacher asks Little Johnny, "How's your granddad getting on? Haven't seen him for ages."

"The Dear Lord has taken him up to Heaven," says Johnny.

"The Dear Lord has taken him up to Heaven?" says the teacher. "And what did the Dear Lord use to take him up to heaven?"

"Looked like a lasso to me."

[clemo]

Only soldiers will understand this one

Things to consider whilst adjusting to Civvy street:

1. Speech:
•Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred; it is not 0530 or 1400. It is 5:30am or 2 in the afternoon.
•Words like "pit", and "PT" will get you weird looks; use bed, workout, get used to it.
•"F**k" cannot be used to replace whatever word you can't think of right now. Try "um" instead and never use the words civpop or f**kers to describe a group of people.
•It's a phone, not a radio, conversations on a phone do not end in "Roger That" or "Out"

2. Style:
•Do not put creases in your jeans.
•Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts.
•Do not refer to your suits numerically; your best jacket and trousers are not your number 1's

3. Women:
•Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal. Neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first.
•Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make "financial sense". It makes you a retard.
Personal accomplishments:
•In the real world, being able to do lots of press-ups will not lead to automatic promotion or help your career in any way.
•Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about people you have killed or seen die.
•How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.

4. Drinking:
•NATO is an organisation, not the way you want your tea made
•In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you a written warning (or sacked), not a pat on the back from your boss.
•Shouting "Naked Bar" at your works Christmas party will have no effect, and probably go down like a lead ballon.
•That time you drank a bottle of Absinth and shat in your pals suitcase is not a conversation starter.
•That time you went to the combat life saver school and practiced giving vodka iv's will probably not impress a civilian.

5. Bodily functions:
•Farting on your co-workers and then laughing hysterically while you walk away may be viewed as "unprofessional".
•The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny regardless of how big it was, how much it burned, how much it smelled..... or how clear the photo is.
•You can't make fun of someone for their disability, no matter how funny the ailment is.
•VD will also not be funny.

6. The human body:
•Most people will not want to hear about or see your balls. Odd as that may seem, it's true.
•If your arse is sore, don’t ask your colleague on the next desk if he can see what’s wrong with your chocolate starfish or ask if your teeth are clean.

7. Spending habits:
•One day, you will have to pay for the things that keep you alive; heat, light, shelter, food, doctor, etc, etc
•Buying a £30,000 car on a £16,000 a year salary is a really, really stupid idea. Millionaires weekend will not happen on a minimum wage.
•Spending money on video games instead of on nappies makes you a tw@t.

8. Interacting with civilians:
•Making fun of your neighbour to his face for being fat waster and sticking your nob in his ear will not make you popular in the neighbourhood.

9. Real jobs:
•They really can fire you. On the flip side you really can quit.
•Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal. Remember they really can quit too. You can't tell your secretary to "follow it down" if she drops her pen. And taking naps at work will not be acceptable.
•Sport is no longer part of your working week. Wednesday afternoons are for work, just like every other afternoon

10. The Law:
•Your civvy boss, unlike your C/O, can't save you and probably won't. In fact most likely you will be fired about 5 minutes after he finds out you've been arrested.
•Even McDonalds do background checks, and "conviction" isn't going to help you get the job
•Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested and/or fired, not yelled at Monday on morning before being asked if you won.

11. General knowledge:
•You can in fact really say what you think about the Queen in public.
•Pain is not weakness leaving the body. It's just pain.
•They won't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important then you are. Be polite.
•You no longer have to go to the POL point; just go to the BP garage like everyone else

Finally
Read the contracts before you sign them - remember what happened the first time...!!!

[Rice crispy]

[Stef]

Want to have your weight of say behind the pasty row?

Feel you can 'make a difference' to this country?

Here is your opportunity!

http://wish.co.uk/number-10/

[cliff]

There were two Catholic boys; Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy.

Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through to their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.

Their careers came to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.
Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified.
With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply.

"We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SE-COLA!

[daveA]

Hi

A bloke is watching a flim with creepy organ music on the TV an suddenly yells

" DONT ENTER THE CHURCH , YOU DAFT C##T "

His wife shouts from the kitchen " WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WATCHING !! "

He replies " OUR WEDDIND VIDEO "


A Mum is cleaning out her 12 year old sons bedroom an comes across serious bondage gear and fetish mags

Shocked she says to her husband what should we do ?

He replies I'm no expert but I dont think spanking him will help !!!!!

daveA

[Peter_W]

...He replies " OUR WEDDIND VIDEO "

[Rice crispy]

...He replies " OUR WEDDIND VIDEO "

Thought they banned movies like that

[dramson]

Two older ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

One leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off right now and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"Why, I won first prize for Best Dried Arrangement."

[cliff]

I saw a woman reading 50 Shades of Grey on the train today.

"At least you don't have to lick your fingers to turn the pages" I said with a smile,

"You disgusting sod!" she screamed and stormed off down the carriage.

Are all Kindle readers such miserable buggers?

[Peter_W]

An oldie but a goodie (IMHO)

A Woman

In a mechanic shop...


A woman enters a mechanic shop and asks the clerk for a 710 cap.

The clerk is surprised and goes to the warehouse clerk and asks him about a 710 cap.

He doesn't know either so he calls a mechanic over and asks him about a 710 cap, but nobody has heard of a 710 cap.


The woman insists and says it is a part that goes on her motor and that it had mysteriously disappeared. She needed to find a new 710 cap.

Considering nobody knew anything about a 710 cap, the clerk asked the woman if she could draw this 710 cap.


The woman, who incidentally had taken some drawing classes, didn't have a problem with this, being she remembered what the 710 cap looked like. She took a piece of paper and a pencil and drew a circle about 8 cm in diameter and wrote in the center the number 710.
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[cliff]

After being barred from the travel agents, I've learnt the following lesson:

Always speak slowly and comprehensibly when declaring an interest in wanting to see Cape Horn.